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entry #471

1st day of everything to come.


Hushgirl currently listening to : i listened to Aerosmith Dream On just now.. it never sounds dat sad before..

edited : 1523 hrs

its really hard to start when i feel like to blog from the heart. i know, sometimes what we utter from our mouth may not be the same with what we really feel, maybe cuz we dont know how to describe it or maybe cuz we try to keep some details for some might hurt with what we say.

i admit sometimes i speak too much. and especially when i was emo, i tend to say outrageous things. somehow, its all came from my heart seriously. and  people might hurt, but i hurt before and i just wanna be heard.

a little incident took place last nite, between 2 people thousand miles apart. physically apart. maybe i've changed. maybe i want more. maybe i dont have enough. maybe.. im just lost. somehow i made him hurt. and i slept. and then woke up. "im sorry baby i know im a jerk."

somehow i wish i could be this selfish spoiled girl who makes a mess and not asking forgiveness and being very very stubborn and sulking until the guy pleaded and begged for something he never do.

i wish i could be that bitch girl..  but its just not me.
uncle man said im too nice. guys marry bitches not angels.

a misinterpretation.

i appreciate what he felt for me. at least.. i know i do. maybe i am greedy i want more. maybe i mess myself up, i get lost. maybe i have changed. maybe i was not very sure.


hmmm

so today, i got my mc so that my stress level stays below bar. Doc prescribed some drugs to keep me sane, i have my own cure. i had my 1st thai massage and few shots of espresso and a good girl's company. Deep inside, he is still in my heart and he will always forever be there.

and im trying my very best, it will be him alone.

no ex, no nabil. you alone, and you know who you are.
im taking this risk.

cuz when im in the creepy dark tunnel and lost, you're like a knight in shining armor at the end of the tunnel and you dont wait there with the lights, you came and rescue me.


something - the beatles.

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